Alex Holst

AlexI tried to let Alex write about herself. I really did. But after all my urging, she jotted down a single sentence. Not even a sentence, but more like a phrase.

“Smarter than everyone wasting their time on this website”

Yeah, so that pretty much sums her up on a good day. I guess I should be grateful that’s all she wrote. She wasn’t pleased about the picture either and refused to have one that showed her face even after I explained that people wanted a face to put with a name. This was enough, she said, since pictures interfere with her undercover work. She said people who couldn’t deduce what they needed to know about her from this picture weren’t people worth knowing anyway.

If it was up to her, you’d never know anything about her, and most people never will. There’ve been days I would’ve given anything to be one of those people. See, I could write all these platitudes about her, or I could tell you the truth. I suspect that’s what you think you want.

Here it goes.

Alex Holst is a rude, self-absorbed, socially inept, arrogant show off 98% of the time. I used to think it was 100%, and I’m still not convinced it’s not closer to 99%. She ignores social niceties and conventions in favor of fact–facts about any sort of seemingly random thing you can imagine except any sort of pop culture from the last 20 years. And she will spout those facts as she illustrates her conclusions, which will make no sense to you anyway.

But she’s right. Always. I don’t know how she does it really. No one really cares how, I guess. They just want to know they can count on her to solve their problem. Her clients range from local citizens to D.C Metro’s finest, and occasionally the government comes knocking. That’s usually in the form of her equally rude sister, but that’s another story for another time.

So if you’re looking to be reassured about a missing loved one or a cheating spouse, Alex is not your person. But if you need the truth, no matter how ugly it may be, she’s the one for the job.

Oh, and the other 2% of the time when she’s not showing off her impressive brain? Well, she plays the piano wonderfully.

 

-Captain Cade Blackwell, 3rd Battalion, 75th Ranger Regiment, Retired